And then there was this guy. And this guy, phew, let me tell ya - he was a great salesman. And I mean the best.
Cars, toys, drugs: chump change. Nah, this guy was the guy if you wanted something on the down low. How low? Like the lowest of lows. I'm talking Flintstones Bedrock kinda lowness you know what I mean? No you don't.
So, the world's greatest salesman. His name was Mark. A typical name for an atypical man. His character really did befit his station - and I'm talking in the past tense here because Mark is dead. Yup. Probably should've started out with that factoid, but yeah, he's dead.
But his character! This guy was a hoot! Great at parties, great with the ladies, cool to swig a beer with; there was literally nothing you could dislike about him. Granted, he was a snake through and through. Slimy, oily, slippery. Deplorable in every way conceivable.
But a great guy.
Now, one day, your boy needed something from the lowest depths, if you catch my drift. So I contacted this aforementioned scumbag. His first mistake was ignoring my call for about two hours. Then when he did call, I couldn't understand a word he was saying from the garbage blasting in the background. He knew what he was doing though, the snake.
You know what got me was the arrogance of the guy. Right? Like, you're the greatest salesman and yet you pull off moves unworthy of a kindergartener? I hung up. Waited a few more hours. Then, naturally, the bear came growling after its honey. Seeing as how I'm the buyer here that analogy makes little sense - roll with it.
"Good of you to call, Mark. Wouldn't want your business contacts to wilt."
"Yeah, man, I was super busy. Met this chick by the Docks, rocked my world so hard I wouldn't have been able to reach you even if we did agree on a deal."
Yeah right. "Now, I gather your world is sufficiently unrocked?"
"One hundred."
We talked shop. Set up a meet. Did the deed, as it were. I would've honestly just let the whole thing go, if the package was alright. Guess what?
The package was dog doodoo. Dog doodoo to the max.
Everyone here knows me, everyone here knows I don't take stuff like this lying down - let alone standing up, in a bathroom with a bag of illegal substances before me. A bag of useless illegal substances, I might add. Which is like not only incriminating, but stupid as all hell. And if there's one thing I hate, it's being made a fool of.
So I called Mark.
"Man, I gave you the wrong package. That one wasn't meant for you." He laughed. "That one was for a rat down seventh. Sorry man. Wow. Come over. I'll set you right back up.
"Oh, and bring the bag with ya. We can still make something out of nothing, right?"
I played along. Had to. Needed to swap that wack package. When I got there though, the scumbag was in the middle of the street - like this was some old timey western or some shit. He had about ten goons with him, all armed, all angry-looking.
"Put the package down, Jack!" That's me. I'm Jack. That's Mark yelling. "Nice and slow!"
I did. "I want no problems, Mark." Raised my hands all dramatic like. "Take it this concludes our relationship?"
"That it do, country-boy." To this day, I have no idea why he said that. Perhaps he really did watch a western with his pals before the stick up, who knows. "I no longer require what you're selling."
"But. I was the one who bought -"
"Silence, fool! Grass, take the bag. And watch him! The guy's slippery like a snake!"
Grass was a huge beast of a buffoon. One of the dumbest people you'll ever meet. Well, you'd ever meet. He's also dead. And honestly, all of the people with Mark that night are no longer with us. You understand. Bad for my sparkling reputation to let them walk away after a stunt like that.
Long story short: I used Grass as both a weapon and a shield. By the time I was done with his ammo, half the squad was down. Mark was using his buddies as bait to try and escape. emphasis on 'try'. Yeah...
Needless to say, got him, got his buddies, got my bag. Couldn't let an opportunity go to waste, right? So I ransacked his stash house as well.
Come to find out - this dude was pulling the same stunt for years. Years! And I had no idea. He would build a rapport with someone, gain their trust, then double his earning by taking their money and getting his supply back. Give the right amount to the rick pocket, and wallah: world's greatest salesman.
Oh well and good for me to be ignorant of all this - I'm me after all. But for him to be ignorant of me?
Fatal mistake.
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